I.
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland)
I go to lunch with the disciple and Bhairava. It is refreshing to have periods of silence that no one seems pressured to fill. I am utterly surprised at how comfortable I am with this. As casual as I try to be he must know that I am hyper sensitive to how I am being perceived. How I am trying to constantly give clues to what a good practitioner I am. Again, I am surprised how I do not make myself wrong for this. Eventually conversation arises. Pleasantries. Getting to know you speak.
“What do you do?”
“It sure is raining hard”
“How long have you lived here in Cupertino?”
and so on.
The conversation leads to India. The Bhairava speaking a bit on his last trip there. I mention how I want to go to Varanasi. The Bhairava says, “We will go. In the Fall.”
In a split second I finally dare to look him direct into his eyes since my first moment meeting him. He seems to know I will do this and meets my gaze.
He is serious.
I laugh.
It’s all I can do. I cover my mouth, as it almost seems too much to allow a giggle to escape. I knew I would go to India with him. I knew a month before I came here. Yet I am still shocked. To Varanasi. The one place I have always wanted to go. The one place that wets my eyes with tears when I see photos. The one place that I actualy know the smell of through my dreams. How quickly this grace emerged.
At this moment, I do not know if I will go.
II.
"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland)
This night I attend the evening sitting with the orientation of “for everybody”. The Bhairava introduced this the evening before and it struck me profoundly. I do not understand why. Compassion, devotion and offering are not new to me. I also let go of self-cherishing which somehow in this particular sitting translated as letting go of “self-preserving.” I had been trying to do this the first 48 hours. Trying to keep myself intact. Trying to decide if it was safe.
When letting go of the self-preservation I felt the reality of sitting for everybody. Words emerged like a mantra buzzing to life within me.
“Sit with Shiva for eternity”
“Sit with Shiva for eternity”
“Sit with Shiva for eternity”
On and on. As this mantra was humming I received a powerful teaching (transmission?) Shiva would be the eternal ground for me. His tenacious love for Shakti (me). This understanding was no mere intellectual philosophizing. I touched it completely. I could fall apart, dance, rage, fragment, and bless. Shiva would be there. I understood in an instant that the Bhairava, the teacher, the guru transmitted and held this grace. It would be him that I would need to lean in to.
I wept.
I wept and could not stop.
I wept at the opportunity to put both feet in.
That I was not in control anymore.
I weep now writing this.
The sadhana came to a close. We all sat in silence for some time. Then in the purest gesture I have ever felt, Bhairava offered his hand to help me stand.
III.
The arousing (shock, thunder)
Shock bring success
Shock comes oh, oh!
Laughing words- ha ha!
The shock terrifies for a hundred miles,
And he does not let fall the sacrificial spoon and chalice
Hexagram 51. Chen, I-ching
The time with the Bhairava had many layers. When alone, my body had reactions like those of a shock. Elevated heart rate, some anxiety, major flight impulses, and some spaciness. In the sadhana I had none of these symptoms.
I have been home 3 days and I am still having flashes of shock. Life’s daily tasks are difficult.
I reflect on the last evening.
The laughter began right in the sadhana for Bhairava and one disciple. I inquired whether to join. I could go either way. I decided to stay focused and complete the sadhana. Afterwards, the mood hit again.
Non -stop.
On and on it went. Divine madness. Oh, the delight for me. Total intoxication. In waves it kept coming. Another gift from Ma. I felt like she was pleased with our efforts.
I will go to India.
Ma, please make me ready
